This is to inform that i have shifted to a new address.

Syed, im treated like a shit in the office.. Today, i worked alone. We have actually 2 staff left, and yet the other took half day.. I have to do soo many things, till to the extent that at one time, while i was rushing to my boos' room, i toppled and fell in front of him.

I was sooo embarrased, he didnt laugh at me but i felt so embarrased. I am still hoping that you will take me away from here, like you promised. But i have the feeling that you wont.

After-all, the last time i talked to you about this, you said, you never forced me to work here.. Hmmhh, yeah, why would you care pun kn i suffer or not. Im not her that u cared, bring to see the doctor and all.

Nak u take me away from here.. hahahahh, u wont care la kan.. u have better things to think about, like registering ur son into the school, confirming your tickets all over the world to give out ceramah and etc. I am never in your priority. NEVER..

I am suffering, but do i have anyone to talk to?? no.. and i thank you for that. Thank you SYED..

Tak tau nk wtpe, dia tgh tido, kejut2 tk bgn.. penatla tido dr smlm..

So duduk luar n nmpk jawaz safar dia, so tkde keje kan, flip trula..

Hmmhh, what a mistake, nmpk cop dia masuk dr 10-12!!! And shamelessly masa dia kol, dia cakap dia masuk 2nd day and balik hari!!! Penipu kan!!! And ada hati lagi cakap, Syed tk pernag tipu!!! Macam mana pahit pun Syed akan cakap, tp i tk prnh tipu u!!! Go and check urself out k!!!

Sedih sgt, nt only he hid the truth, he lied as well!!! Kalo dia tell the truth, i would have been hurt once, bt nw knowing he lied, it doubles up seyy!!!

Do you know how i spent my eid??? My dad was veryyyyy sick, the whole of 1st day dia mengerang kesakitan, do u know that kite sekeluarga beraya dengan airmata?? And u happy2 beraya dgn keluarga u, tanpa sikit pun pikir keadaan i, or even say happy eid, when i called smlmnyer, u tk angkt and DUN BOTHER to return back the call..

I still remember when u kol aft that, u cakap u masuk 2nd day, balik hari and after that terus tk sihat!!!! U ada kat sini smpi 3rd day syed!!!! tk sihat??? penat maybe maksud u?? Yerla, penat menipu..

Di mana u bile i dlm kesusahan? Dalam kesedihan?? I hanya mampu menagis sendirian, menanggung segalanyer sendiri.. Inilah bukti sayang u kepada i.. Dan bukti u cakap u tk syg dia, is spend ur days and times together.. IRONInyer..

I tkde saper nk kongsi duka, u hnya sedia bersama i pabila i tkde masalah.. bile i sedih, merana, u hilang.. u penipu, u pendusta.. jangan nak cakap u buat ni sumer sebab nak jaga hati i, tkde apa yg u jaga, u remuk kan adalah... kan i da cakap, JANGAN TIPU I.. i jujur dgn u, i setia dgn u, so Allah tu Adil, Allah akan tunjukkan jugak pembohongan dan penipuan u kepada i, its only a matter of time..

Remuk sgt hati i melihat kecurangan u, depan mata i sendiri.. and u can scold me sumore for looking.. haizzz.. u will never change..

when it comes to workload, i am the expert, when whe increment is discussed, im at the same level as the driver.. where did i go wrong seyy, why cant the see what i did, dr paling bawah smpi paling atas dengki.. this is nt a matter of tk bersyukur, alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal, but then kalo SEMUA dapat sama, except ME, what the heck eh???

n my *** is really up the limit, part dia sumer ok, my part ada jer salah.. this is reli driving me mad.. when i told him, im stress here, dia kata sapa suro i keje?? i told him i wont quit till he takes me away, he can just laugh, kelakar ke eh??? dia kata suke nk kasi dia rasa bersalah..

hahahhh, wt a joke of the year, mana pernah dia rasa bersalah pun pada aku..

dia kawin dgn aku, pastu doesnt want to acknowledge the marriage except when he WANTS to - dia tk rasa bersalah..

dia kawin lain walaupn tahu im his wife at that time- dia tk rasa bersalah..

aft his 2nd marriage, dia diamkn aku tnpa khabar berita for mnths-  dia tk rasa bersalah..

everytime aku sakit, tk kirela kat mana, sana ke sini, tk prnh dia dtg visit, 1001 alasan dia akan beri- dia tk rasa bersalah..

dia buat anak, when at the same time dia main dgn aku- dia tk rasa bersalah..

dia kasi perempuan lain kebahagiaan dan pengiktirafan, sedagkan aku yang dia da amik EVERYTHING from, dia tk bg paper- dia tk rasa bersalah..

mak bapak aku menangis melihatkan nasib aku, yg sakit selalu tiba2, yg skrg kene buat follo-up dekat Institute of mental health, dia tk rasa bersalah..

bapak aku sakit teruk n dia xpeduli pn nak visit, dia tk rasa bersalah..

umur aku makin meningkat, and i am deprived of being a wife and mother, dia tk rasa bersalah..

di mata sumer org aku adalah perampas, sdgkan suami aku dirampas, and he do nothing to correct that fitnah- dia tk rasa bersalah..

hmmhhh, aku pulak yg feel guilty, when he felt NOTHING..

hmmhh, even now, after all these, i still feel he is actually true to me, but WHY???? i need proff seyy, my belief alone cnt stand this much, WHY u dun wana prove to me that ur sincerely serious abt this?? why only talk?? pikir, dua, cakap, TANPA ACTION tk kn jd paper syed.. Tuhan pn suro kite usaha, u keep saying u usaha, bile i tnya apa dia, u cnt answer!!! usaha apanyer eh, kalo smpi 5yrs +++

ur gonna hate me for this, but yeah.. ur alwiz rite kn..  

smlm saya ke hospital, kene serangan semacam may lalu.. Allah memang nak panjangkn umur agaknya.. rasanya kalo mati pun bagus, at-least dah tk payah menanggung penyiksaan sedemikian rupa.. apalah hikmah di sebalik pemanjangan umur ini yer, kalo asyik disakite begini..

dr kata darah saya naik tinggi sekali.. bole kene stroke!!! Allah, janganlah begitu, lebih baik mati sahaja daripada menyusahkan keluarga.. kasihan mereka, asyik menderita ajer kerasa saya.. bukannya dia akn ambil tahu nanti.. sedangkan saya sedang sihat begini pun, dia tk ingin mengambil saya sebagai isteri (dia cuma mahu berseronok sahaja, bile komitmen aja, lari), apalagi bile da sakit nanti. keluarga juga kene nanti, kasihan mereka ya Allah. daripada kene begitu, ambil ajerla saya yer..

hmmhh, kenapa yer tetiba kene attack begitu.. sepanjang di wad, berpikir juga.. ohh, accumulate barangkali.. melihat jemputan sepupunya, mendapat berita pernikahan dan kandungan 2 sahabat saya, membuatkan diri ini semakin stress.. semua org mendapat kebahagiaan mereka, sedangkan saya???

terngiang2 kata-katanya di dala kereta tempoh hari.. tk tahu nak kata apa kepada counsellor!!!!!! lawak sungguh.. selama ini, bermacam alasan dia beri, tentang kenapa dia masih menyintai saya, kenapa saya harus terus bersama dgn dia, kenapa saya harus menanti dia, kenapa kami harus berkahwin, kenapa dia merana dengan perkahwinaannya.. tetiba bile nk bwk perkara ini ke mahkamah, jadi tk tahu alasan..

adil kah untuk aku?? menanti selama ini, drpd dia kawin, anak satu, masuk dua, n da nk masuk setahun pn, nxt yr ank dia da K1.. bile tnya nk masuk which school, dia ckp ada possibility kat sana.. im like huh???? kalo anak dia da sklh sana, maknanya duduk sana, abe bile yer kite nk kawin!!! abis anak dia kindergrthen?? abis Primari school? Abes secondary school?? izit fair for me??

semua perhatian dan keutamaan diberi kepada isteri, anak2, keluarga, career dia, AKU??? siapa nak pikir hati aku? umur aku? masa depan aku? keluarga aku? hina sgtkah aku dan keluarga aku smpi tk diberi perhatian langsung!!! mcm ni syg? kasih? cinta?

kadang rasa dia begitu serious trhadap this relationship, tp bile cakap serious issues dgn dia, dia mcm nk larikn diri.. bile time seronok he's sooo into it, tp bile mntk kepastian untuk masa depan kite 1001 mcm alasan dia bagi.. bile tnya bile, tk tau-tk bole ckp-susah nk ckp...

apakah awak tdk prnh rasa kasihan kpd saya? apakah awak tidak pernah mahu bertanggungjawab kepada saya? awak, tolonglah, kalo awak tknk lepaskan dia, nape awak bagi harapan kepada saya, dari mula awak kawin sehingga sekarang? awak, saya tunggu awak dari bertahun lamanyer, apakah tidak ada rasa simpati terhadap saya? dosa apakah yg saya lakukan sehingga awak hukum saya begini?? kalo awak tknk responsible sapa lagi yer? adakah lelaki lain yang mahukan saya setelah apa yg kite lalukan? saya sendiri tk mampu syed..

Ya Allah, mudahkanlah urusan kami..

Heyya... Been quite a while since i blogged.. hmmhh, nt reli bz, just that cnt be bothered, hehehhh, tulis bnyk2 pun bukan ada perubahan, kn???

Hmmhh, been seeing alottt, as in see tru:-)

Where shall i start eh?? Btw, this week ajer, da 3 sisters said tings to me.. "snap out of ur stupidity le?" "ur still waiting for tt jerk?" "he'll never marry you, its obvious, u jer yg tknk terima hakikat"..

ouchhhh, sakit seyyy dengar, but yeah, i guess, they saw in frm an angel which i didnt, nt that i didnt, bt i choose nt to!!!

to begin with, after gone missing in action for weeks, even raya pun tk wish, i called tk answer, i email tk reply (as usual), masuk sgp tk ckp, jauh skali jmpala kan, he called.. 2wks aft eid and few days aft our 8years anniversary..

last year eid, ptg raya, as soon as he entered sgp, we met at the park, and before he went back, he begged me to go with him.. as i cldnt get leave, i send him off at golden mile and joined him few days aft that, spending time together at the Puteri Condo, 14th floor over the weekend.. masyaAllah, what a great time we had.. KLCC, monorail, looking for a ring from 1 shop to anther, Nandos, left alone at home while he met a fren and etc.. over a year, aft he got everything, he changed.. i am no longer someone who supports and mean alott to him, but i became a normal woman who passes his life everyday.. no importance is attached to me, my feeling etc, im more like a shit to him..

what a painful moment celebrating eid n anniversary.. the final days of ramadhan was very depressing as abah was suffering in pain, and immediately warded on eid day. anniversary was celebrated in hospital, surgery aft anther.. and all that ALONE..

when he called, biasala, he gave me all his excuses, sakit, sibuk, tkde credit, and anther 97 which i cnt remember.. and me, yeah, forever the stupid one, CAIR...

hmmhhh.. do not know what is the matter with me.. bkn bodoh tau, its just that for me, i love him too much, i want him too much, so much that a call from him will erase all the painest pain he inflicted on me. And yeah, he knows that, that's y he's taking all the advantages that he is capable of..

He doesnt have to do much pun.. just call/chat, sumtimes he didnt even bother to tell any reason, I HAVE TO ASK and he will say out his reserved reasons, and heyyyy presto, im melted. senang kan hidop dia:-)

Yeah, you will never change SYED.. I wish you happiness in hurting me..

p/s: i dunno if u read this, bt if u do, u will get angry, saying i alwiz su'zhon to u, never understand u, and yeah, you will hate me.. up to u k.. IF u have e time, try to consider wtever u did to me, patut tak..

Sebaknyer melihat ayahku mengerang dan menjerit kesakitan.. Pilu sangat hati ini.. Ya Allah, janganlah kau menghukum beliau kerana dosa-dosa aku.. Bebaskanlah beliau dari kesakitan ini Ya Allah.. I feel sooo useless, there's nothing i can do to ease his pain.. I can only cry behind his back..

Ohh yaa, ystrdy was the 95th month.. i smsed and emailed him, but as usual, nothing came from him, sibuk barangkali, tkperla..

Sometimes, bersyukur sgt jd org Islam, at least aku pikir, aku ada Allah.. biarla, asal dia bahagia dengan perbuatan dia..

besar benar kesilapan aku sehingga harus dihukum begini.. tkper, tkper.. tkper.. tk bole cakap apaper, aku cakap sumer salah, in fact considered A SIN, and IM THE SINNER.. hebat sungguh label yang diberikan, IM A SINNER FOR TELLING HIM MY FEELINGS.. tkper.. tkper.. tkper.. Allah ada..