Holar..

I guess i am feeling better today. didnt do what i am suppose to do this morning. Had a bad nightmare and cant wake up. Everyday its the same mare.. Im really scared.

I am not pissed off with him today. I mean i got myself to think straight. He is not in the best position anyway now. He must be more stressed and depressed and i should be giving him the support shouldnt i? Didnt i promised him to be by his side tru thick and thin? This is the time to prove myself and my words rite.. I will do my best to stay strong. May Allah grants us strength and patience to overcome all the obstacles.

Yours.

apa yg aku tau tntng dia mmg da xbetul lg ahh.. apa yg aku rasa dia akan lakukan sudah tidak prnh menjadi.. adakah aku sudah tidak lagi mengenalinya dan memahaminya atau apa yaa..

aku rasakan pasti dia akan datang semalam atau sekurang-kurangnya telefon tnya keadaan diri ini, tapi ternyata hampa.. aku pujuk diri ini dengan mengatakan pastinya programnya habis terlalu lewat sehingga tiada masa untuk bertanyakan khabar diri yg hina ini.

pagi ini, aku rasakan pasti dia datang sblm solat atau telefon bertanyakan bagaimana malamku semalam, namum perasaan hanya tinggal impian sahaja.. ku pujuk lagi hati ini, ku katakan mungkin dia sibuk, harus menyelesaikan masalah yg jaaaaauh lebih penting..

aku pasti sejurus selepas solat dia akan kemari, mana mungkin dia tidak risaukan diri ini, malahan dia tahu dari semalam aku tak makan.. namun.. kehampaan sekali lagi menerjah. jam menunjukkan pukul 2.10. semua masjid susah selesai solat, rupa-rupanya dia sedang online, busy pulak tu..

jangan kata tengok, telefon pun tidak. mngkin padanya, sekali dia da suro aku take care, selesai sudah tanggungjawabnya. sekali dia mnta aku agar jadi kuat, seharusnya aku da jadi kuat. caring sungguh kan dia pada diri ini. bilalah dia akan fahami hati ini yer.. ohh yaa, perkara yang aku hadapi ini pun bukan masalah yang besar pun, sekadar bende remeh temeh, apalah yg dia nak sibuk-sibukkan dirinya kan.. buang masa, tenaga, duit dan sebagainya..

dada aku sakit dan sebak sgt.. setiap kali aku teringat aku akan menangis.. aku tk bole ceritakan pada sesiapa.. aku kalau nak bilang didi-ku bole sgt tetapi aku nak jaga maruah diri dia, tapi dia xprnh fikirkan sumer itu kan.. dia pentingkan dirinya sendiri. aku dah tak tahu nak pujuk diri ini macam mana lagii.. puas aku pujuk mengatakan keadaan dia tk mengizinkan tapi kalau smpi telefon pun tk bole, susahla kan..

aku perempuan, aku lemah.. dia yg berjanji untuk sama-sama menguatkan aku.. tapi bile dia diperlukan, di mana yaa dia? busy online.. Ya Allah, mahal sungguh harga yg perlu aku bayar untuk menjadi kekasihnya kan.. aku rasa bile dia berada jauh lebih baik kot, walaupun jauh tp dia sungguh dekat di hati ini.. sekarang ini dia dekat di sini tapi seolah tiada langsung di sisi.. Maha besar ketentuanMu ya Allah.

he called and said will cum soon. his soon is like more than 2hrs!! arrghhh, he juz doesnt know what a heart is yearning for.. y do i still love him?? tell me pls..

Hari yg paling malang buat diri ini.. Lepas subuh kepala sakiiit sgt.. Terjaga pukul 8 pagi sebab bunyi sms. From his half.. I got the shocked of my life. Dunno what to do. Nak reply pun takut cakap salah. My head is still spinning. Tried to wake up but cant, so juz lie down and tears just flow by itself. This is the last thing that i ever wana happen. Sum of the times, i dozed off and everytym i dozed off i will have a nightmare and each time i woke up i will become hysterical. I have no one to turn to, i didnt tell anyone about this, so i have to chew this on my own. Really at loss on what to do.

Then sumwhere in the afternoon, manage to catch him for a while. Asked him what happen. He was blurr too. He said that he will look into things and let me know. And he disappeared just like that. An sms followed saying that everything is settled. And the other half sms back saying that it was a wrong number that she sent to. Maybe she thinks that i am a 2 years old kid.

The whole day i am like lifeless. I went to my friend's place. I have too or else mata ni mesti bengkak giler. I am like a zombie. 1 hari tak makan and hampir2 kereta langgar aku. The driver shouted at me but i just look at him. I am too lethargic to say anything.

Y must i be tested like this. After thinking, i cant possibly blame her. Which wife wouldnt fight for her happiness? I have told him this thousands of times but he just wouldnt listen. I just felt it is unfair for me to face these obstacles all by myself. And on top of that, the mistake is his. He is careless. Saying sorry wouldnt buy back all that has happen. I am sooo embarrassed and my dignity just drop to the drain, just like that, and all because of him. Is this the price that i have to pay for loving him?

The last thing that i expected, org yg aku harapkan ialah orang yg jatuhkan maruah aku.

I am really embarrassed, hurt, tired, confused. Im at loss. Perasaan terlalu hampa terhadapnya. Aku tau dia pun manusia yang melakukan kesilapan. He is not perfect. Im sure he himself doesnt want this to happen either. But ntahla, i am just a woman who held my respect too high on him. Thou i am independent, but i my whole emotions is relied on him. I am strong because of the strength that he alwiz gives me. When this happen, my emotions just crashed to the drain. I just feel that i cant face her anymore.

 I dunt want 2 lose a friend and definitely i wouldnt want 2 lose my life. But i feel that I have to make a choice. If i choose my life, she will definitely becomes my foe and i dun want any enmity with anyone. Please guide me Allah.

Salam..

Hmmhh, im no sure if im gona write this entry long, but if i do pls bear with me.. Soo many things happen within such a short period of time that i do not know how 2 express it here, but i feel its a must for me to let go of this feeling, else i will go crazy.

Yesterday was great. He came back, aft 3 weeks, called me once the plane landed, talked for a while and i had a tight sleep.. :-)

In the afternoon we met. Had a great time together, thou he shouted at me!! It was very hurtful, you know, someone you love sooo much, shouted at you over someone else.. I cried in the toilet, but i soothe myself by saying that he has really changed. If you want him, you will have to accept him the way he is now. No more expecting he is like 5 years ago. Anyway he apologise after that, sooo yaaa, that's it.

Soon after that, he did what he has been longing to do. I juz cant believe he did it, I mean i KNOW, i reli do.. It doesnt happen, but he insisted and he is a person who will never admit defeat. And he is like an experience one, so i juz dont bother to argue with him. I juz hope that one day I will be able to prove him that it doesnt happen the way it should. But if i dun wana marry him, i cant possibly prove him kan.. Hmmhh..

Then da malam. He juz got himself ready and wana go back. Im like shocked. I never expected him 2 stay over pun, im not that stupid and unreasonable.. Memang tak masuk akal kalau dia tak balik, but the way he wana get away is soooo hurtful. I mean like after getting what he wanted and..

We dun even talked sheepishly about it. Haizz.. Am i asking for too much or he is just stupid and ignorant about these things?? If he talked nicely to me about going back, i would never minded at all. I understand his plight very well, and if i dun, we wont still be together like this. If i am unreasonable, i dun think he will be able to lead this kinda life of his.. He is sooo not understanding and unappreciative.

I went 2 a friend's house. I am extremely tired, but i dragged myself to go. I dont want to stay home and brood over his unjustified doings to me. We talked for hours and alhamdulillah manage to soothe myself. The friend's partner told me, 'Nikah dia sudahla, kalau dengan dia sekufu, sesuai'.. Alahaiii, kalau ikotkan sekarang pun nak nikah, tapi cmner eh, bole ker nikah soerang diri? Kalau nak nikah dengan dia, kene tunggu dia habis MA then dia kene tau dia nak kerja mana then Phd dia katne dan segala macam perkara dia nak pikir. Itulah dia..

Then come today. I cant sleep that well. Pikiran. Today is so-called a big day fro me ahh. But as usual, no well-wish from him. Biasala, aku ni bukan penting mana pun, pekerjaan aku pun tak hebat macam pekerjaan dia, so watpela nak kasi2 semangat ni sumer, ntah dia ingat ke tidak pun tak tau!! Alhamdulillah, walaupun tanpa sokongan dari dia, i did it. Berkat doa yang lain barangkali.

He called me at 2.15pm.. Hmmhh, takperla k. Jangan mengharap, kecewa pasti jawapannya.

A friend's parents juz reached here. So tot of visiting them. Went to her place. She said that she wants to send some clothes to the tailor, together with me. So while waiting for her, i chatted with her parents. I am veeeeery tired, i didnt sleep well and i actually walked in the extremely hot weather from that place to hers. I am hungry, i am sleepy. I waited for her like hell to find out that she is in the room calling her BOYFRIEND. When she pops up the room and ask me if i am leaving, i told her that i am waiting for her to go to the tailor. She said that 'ohhh i can go anytime, if u wana go today, then u go la'.. Pannngg!!! I felt a tight slap on my face. I was dumbfounded. Did she just said that?

She made me waited for her from 2.30pm till 7pm, juz to tell me to go on my own and she can go anytime she wants to. What kind of attitide is that eh? Last week, she asked me not to cook and dated me out. Last minute she called and said he had 2 cancel it because he has important things to discuss with her biyfriend. Today she did the same thing.

Hmmhh, my very dear sister. Let me offer you an advice. Dun be toooo absorb with a guy. He is only your boyfriend. Anything can happen anytime. Been there done that once. Dun ever trade your family with an outsider. So what you have promised to marry each other? Tell me about it, dun i know that?? You left your parents who just came from far (dun mind me, im just a peanuts) and did that..

I refrained myself from saying anything. I respected your parents and I cherish our relationship. I love you like a sister of mine. In fact, I love you very much. I hurt you once, but you repaid me back with numberless of hurtful things and words. I can only hope and pray that Allah shows you the right path. Dun do this to others, for you never know what will happen to you the next moment. Dun hurt the feelings of others, for what goes around comes around. I have seen it with my own eyes.

I guess that is all between us. I am very tired, my head is spinning and I have done what i should as a friend. Allahumma Fash-Had.

Adious..

Holaaaa..

Happy 69th months love anniversary to me..

Hmmhh, maybe its been too long and that's y he is nt bothered at all.. Its been 2 months straight.. Thanx yaaa.. So now dun complain that i dun remember and things like that. Do muhasabah urself first yaa..

Had a very tiring day today. Im very very lethargic and the lady can still piss me off.. She's really irritatingly too much, just too much..  I can never get along with her i guess.

Well then, guess im hating you now. 24hrs online yet not a single line.. Happy anniversary to me..

Adious..

Heyya there..

Penattttt.. Reached home after midnyte bt overall, it was great..  It has been almost 2 yrs since i went there. I was there twice.. We had sum delicate memories there once and being there again gets me reminded of all those sweet but not-lasting memoirs. Anyway, I enjoyed myself.

Smsed him when i was up there. Hehhhh..

Earlier that day, he smsed me!!! For once!! Asking me why my sms is ceasing?? Perasan lak eh?? Abe yg dia tak PM langsung tak taula dia perasan ke tak eh.. Hmmhh, tapi biasala, mana le lama pun nak marahkan, kesian lak, so smsla.. Hahahahh..

Enjoyable and tiring day. Adious..

Salamm..

Ermmm, im very lazy these few days.. Today is the worst.. I slept again at 4pm.. Maybe becoz of the weather, its cooling, i dun even use the fan n im happy abt it. Maybe its also due to the treatment which i juz received yesterday.. Gosh, i reli need 2 buck up..

Im reli weried ahh.. Since yesterday PM bt no reply.. Tried 2 tink positive bt then he can alwiz send a line kan, however busy he is.. Since yesterday nite till today, its been more than 24hrs, mustahil juz a werd pun tkle type, caption le tukar.. I hope everything is going well over there.. Risau gak, tapi dia da besar kan..

Take care huney.. Missing you loads..

Adious..

Harloo everyone..

Smlm sempat dia PM, tp 2 baris jer.. Dia kata dia windu kite.. Ahakzz.. Trus cloud 9.. Hehehh.. Then td balik nmpk dia online, abe kite PM abe dia tk reply abe kite sad.. Msti dia tgh layan org tu kan.. Kite kan second-best :-(

Tadi kuar seharian, penatnyerr.. Tido waktu pagi mimpi tk best..

Awakkkk, awk wtpe 2??

Haiii..

Few things to tok about..

Ermm, smlm mlm a dear sis of mine chatted online. She told me that nw her status n mine r the same.. Both single.. Her bf dump her.. I feel 4 her, i mean i knw exactly the feeling in fact i have been tru worst. Quiet 4 few weeks then he sms ask to kol him, when she called, he wants a break-up!! Exactly like my 1st case.. The guy cant even afford to call!! Hehehh, call himself a MAN.. I asked what is the reason, she said he dunno bt he has thought abt it carefully and he wants them 2b like siblings!!! My foot!! But then, he still call her my love and things like that.. Guess this guy is confused and well, if he wants it, juz give it then. Dun be like me, dropped my dignity and begged him, only to be insulted more.. Learnt from me dearie, a guy like that is nt worth ur tears. It will hurt, very much in fact, but life has to  go on.. i implored her 2b strong.. She said dun weri kak, if u can do it so cn i.. im touched!!! she tot i am strong!! hikhikhik.. if only she knew hw weak n fragile i was.. I must say thnx 2 my hunny bunny for his hard effort in making me a strong gal.. Thank you Darl :-)

Then i dremt that a family came to ask 4 my hand.. Hehehehh.. Tp yg tk best dia, the uncle of that guy knows that jerk and he asked me directly, wt ws actually my relationship with him?? Spoil ahh.. Then nampak dia sumwhere (in tt dream).. Alaaaa, napela kene mimpi dia, bosan ahh.. Maybe becoz i read that bitch's blog ahh..

Talked abt the blog.. i laughed my heart out reading it.. She is soooo young n gullible yet she can be such a perfect bitch.. Took my hats off her.. They declared couple 4 days aft the break-up.. They went out together many times before the break-up (knowing he's attached).. She snapped many pictures of him secretly b4 the break-up (knowing he's attached).. they chatted/sms/tok many times b4 the break-up (knowing he's attached).. rite from the first time she saw him, she's already aimed on him, she wants him and she will make sure she get what she wants.. and telling me tt he is not her taste!!! kiss my foot ahh.. hmmhhh what do make out of that kinda gal eh?? bitch + slut.. that describes her better.

Ohh yaa, and she said that she can readily accept all his past and she's very ok with them.. What matters is the present and they loved each other.. Hahahahh, tell me abt it.. been there done that.. tgh sayang memangla.. nasib kaula pompuan...

Anyway, i juz cant be bothered with their gone-case.. For me, what goes around comes around.. Its crystal clear that she snatched other's bf n she hurt anthr gal as well as its clear that that jerk is blind to choose a bitch as his partner, so be it..

Ok, habis citer pasal mereka2 yang sunggug tk penting itu.. skrg nk ckp psl bende lain lak..

Td kol dier.. sajer.. nak tnya khabar.. dia tk ckp seyy yg hubby dia da berngkat, siap tgh shopping lagik.. then i said, bile2 free cum overla, knw wht she said?? tgkla!! wahhh.. gue tk bole angkat ahh.. asalla dia nak secret2 dgn aku eh.. tk penting seyy.. kalo everything goes fine, we r gonna be sisters tau!!! oppss, did i say that? no no, it wasnt it.. sisters in Islam yes but that sister nooooooo... i tink i made it clear 2 him that i want NO SHARING.. hmmhh, bt he never say yes, so guess he will nid 2 choose n rasa hati ini berat yg dia akan choose dorang.. haizzz, kene buang lagikkk.. nasibbbb..

Then nak cakap, winnnnndu kat die.. smlm dia sms ckp da smpi.. legaaaaa sgt tp dia tk ckp pun dia miss kiter, rasa mcm msg yg sama di hantar pd yg 1 lg.. eeeeeiiiiii, benci... mesti dia baru abis lunch n solat skrg.. hehehehh.. tk cr baby..

Awaiting.. Adious..

Harloo..

Harini dia akan berangkat.. Prgi jauh selama 21 hari.. Mengembangkan sayap dakwahnya.. Dapat spent tym kejap dgn dia td..Yang penting, dapat masakkan fav food dia:-)

Masa awal2 tu, ada drama kit.. Tak tau yg jeles dia terhadap aku masih kuat gi, ingat since romantik dia da menipis, cemburu dia pun da berkurangan, rupanya, TIDAK!! Best jugak ahh tgk dia jeles, sbb at least tau yg dia betul2 sayang, hehehh, jahat eh..

Then dia buat luahan perasaan. Tak sangka dia fragile jugak.. Selama ni, dia yg memberi semangat dan kekuatan kepada aku, tak sangka dia pun sebenarnya tertekan jugak. Takle terima bile dia cakap he's a failure. He is sumone that I look up upon seyy.. Tried to comfort him and gave him sum motivation. I guess I did it;-).. Terharu bile dia cakap, kan we rely on each other.. Terasa dihargai pulak diri ini. Then dia cakap, selalu kuatkan dia eh and terus beri semangat kepadanya.. InsyaAllah Kasihku.. The reason i am here pun is solely because of you, so takkan nak tengok you lak yang kecundang kan.. Let's be there for each other k darl..

He was sooo good and patient with me juz now. I gave my best. Cant take my eyes off him. Dia cakap, alaaaa kejap jerla.. And i will reply, for youla, for me its like ages!!! Cepatla masa berlalu, dunno how to live days here without him.. Yerla, slalu pun bukan dia ada bersama aku but at least i know he is here, mcm ni terang2 dia takder seyy..

I pray for his safe trip, to and fro.. Before he left, he recorded me a message. So sweet kan.. Till now, aku da ulang siaran sebanyak 7 kali.. Already missing him..

Take a very good care of yourself huney.. Wish i can do the packing for you.. Wish i can be there with you.. Wish i can be your PA all the time..

Anytime you are lonely or despair, turn to the invisible package that i gave you. Inside it is full with endless infinity hugs, kisses, support, care and love.. You brought with you a tender heart that goes all out for you and its all yours..

All ma love.. Adious..