Yang terhempas dengan kepastian cinta..

Yang tertipu dengan ketulusan kasih..

Yang terhina dengan kesucian cinta..

Yang terpana dengan perlakuannya..

Arini ajer da 3 entries.. ntahla.. xtau cmne nak luahkan perasaan.. tk bole nk cakap pd sesapa, so blogla jadi sasarannya + tk tau cmne nak sampaikan berita, tp xtaula dia baca ke tk, rasa mcm tak..

tk paham nape xle antar berita langsung.. tolongla.. xde sedikit pun rasa simpati ker pada diri ini? tknk tau ker hidup ker mati ker.. sihat ker sakit ker.. tk penting ker?? i believe ur smarter than this.. pls..

on my side, aku berjanji untuk jadi manusia yang kuat. aku mesti kuat.. demi keluarga, demi dia, demi cinta aku.. aku harus kuat walaupun aku bersendirian. aku harus kuat walaupun aku tidak berteman. aku harus teruskan perjuangan ini. aku telah berjanji padanya dan aku harus tepati janji ini. mungkin ini adalah satu-satunya hadiah yang bole aku berikan padanya.

sebenarnya aku terlalu risaukan keadaannya tetapi apa daya ini.. aku da berdoa, selebihnya, biarlah Allah yang tentukan. seksanya hati ini, hanya Allah yang tahu. ya Allah, lindungi dia, selamatkan dia, berikan dia kekuatan dan berikanlah dia rasa tanggungjawab dan kemanusiaan. ameen.

sekali aku tulis namamu di hati ini, selamanya ia terpateri.

aku masih di sini.  im reli worried.

Sebenarnya aku teramat risau dengan keadaan dirinya.. keke kurungkah dia? apa dia xbole lakukan sesuatu langsungkah untuk menghubungi diri ini?

dia lemah, apakah aku tidak? dia depress aku pula? dia tertekan aku? hmmhh, apapun aku tetap bersangka baik, aku pasti dia sedang berusaha melakukan sesuatu, walaupun pada kebiasaannya, dan selama mengenalinya, dia akan lebih banyak berfikir dari melakukan sesuatu!!

dia mengambil masa 12jam untuk membalas mesej yang aku rasakan penting bangat.. hmmhh.. balasan pun menyalahkan diri ini.. faham sungguh dia terhadap aku kan.. apapun, aku tiada cara untuk hubunginya dan serasa aku dia bukan lelaki dayus yang tiada kudrat untuk seorang wanita hina seperti aku.

aku masih di sini, mengemis kasihnya tapi dia yang terlalu cepat mengalah. aku masih di sini, ingin melakukan apa saja untuk membantu tapi tak pernah diendahkannya.. apalagi yang harus aku lakukan selain undur diri?

aku masih aku..

Assalamualaikum..

Setelah 2 hari berpikir, aku membuat keputusan ini. Demi rasa kasih dan cinta, aku undur diri. Maafkan aku kasih, bukan aku lemah untuk mempertahankan cinta ini, tetapi aku akur dengan ketentuan. Bukan aku tak sayang, tetapi aku pasrah dengan suratan.

Andai jodoh ini kuat, kita pasti akan bertemu kembali. Andai tidak, kau adalah perkara yang terindah yang pernah aku lalui dalam kehidupan ini. Terima kasih atas segalanya. Maafkan segala kesalahan dan kekurangan ini.

Semoga berjaya. Ingatku dalam doamu.

Salam Sayang,

Kekasih Hayat..

Holar..

I guess i am feeling better today. didnt do what i am suppose to do this morning. Had a bad nightmare and cant wake up. Everyday its the same mare.. Im really scared.

I am not pissed off with him today. I mean i got myself to think straight. He is not in the best position anyway now. He must be more stressed and depressed and i should be giving him the support shouldnt i? Didnt i promised him to be by his side tru thick and thin? This is the time to prove myself and my words rite.. I will do my best to stay strong. May Allah grants us strength and patience to overcome all the obstacles.

Yours.

apa yg aku tau tntng dia mmg da xbetul lg ahh.. apa yg aku rasa dia akan lakukan sudah tidak prnh menjadi.. adakah aku sudah tidak lagi mengenalinya dan memahaminya atau apa yaa..

aku rasakan pasti dia akan datang semalam atau sekurang-kurangnya telefon tnya keadaan diri ini, tapi ternyata hampa.. aku pujuk diri ini dengan mengatakan pastinya programnya habis terlalu lewat sehingga tiada masa untuk bertanyakan khabar diri yg hina ini.

pagi ini, aku rasakan pasti dia datang sblm solat atau telefon bertanyakan bagaimana malamku semalam, namum perasaan hanya tinggal impian sahaja.. ku pujuk lagi hati ini, ku katakan mungkin dia sibuk, harus menyelesaikan masalah yg jaaaaauh lebih penting..

aku pasti sejurus selepas solat dia akan kemari, mana mungkin dia tidak risaukan diri ini, malahan dia tahu dari semalam aku tak makan.. namun.. kehampaan sekali lagi menerjah. jam menunjukkan pukul 2.10. semua masjid susah selesai solat, rupa-rupanya dia sedang online, busy pulak tu..

jangan kata tengok, telefon pun tidak. mngkin padanya, sekali dia da suro aku take care, selesai sudah tanggungjawabnya. sekali dia mnta aku agar jadi kuat, seharusnya aku da jadi kuat. caring sungguh kan dia pada diri ini. bilalah dia akan fahami hati ini yer.. ohh yaa, perkara yang aku hadapi ini pun bukan masalah yang besar pun, sekadar bende remeh temeh, apalah yg dia nak sibuk-sibukkan dirinya kan.. buang masa, tenaga, duit dan sebagainya..

dada aku sakit dan sebak sgt.. setiap kali aku teringat aku akan menangis.. aku tk bole ceritakan pada sesiapa.. aku kalau nak bilang didi-ku bole sgt tetapi aku nak jaga maruah diri dia, tapi dia xprnh fikirkan sumer itu kan.. dia pentingkan dirinya sendiri. aku dah tak tahu nak pujuk diri ini macam mana lagii.. puas aku pujuk mengatakan keadaan dia tk mengizinkan tapi kalau smpi telefon pun tk bole, susahla kan..

aku perempuan, aku lemah.. dia yg berjanji untuk sama-sama menguatkan aku.. tapi bile dia diperlukan, di mana yaa dia? busy online.. Ya Allah, mahal sungguh harga yg perlu aku bayar untuk menjadi kekasihnya kan.. aku rasa bile dia berada jauh lebih baik kot, walaupun jauh tp dia sungguh dekat di hati ini.. sekarang ini dia dekat di sini tapi seolah tiada langsung di sisi.. Maha besar ketentuanMu ya Allah.

he called and said will cum soon. his soon is like more than 2hrs!! arrghhh, he juz doesnt know what a heart is yearning for.. y do i still love him?? tell me pls..

Hari yg paling malang buat diri ini.. Lepas subuh kepala sakiiit sgt.. Terjaga pukul 8 pagi sebab bunyi sms. From his half.. I got the shocked of my life. Dunno what to do. Nak reply pun takut cakap salah. My head is still spinning. Tried to wake up but cant, so juz lie down and tears just flow by itself. This is the last thing that i ever wana happen. Sum of the times, i dozed off and everytym i dozed off i will have a nightmare and each time i woke up i will become hysterical. I have no one to turn to, i didnt tell anyone about this, so i have to chew this on my own. Really at loss on what to do.

Then sumwhere in the afternoon, manage to catch him for a while. Asked him what happen. He was blurr too. He said that he will look into things and let me know. And he disappeared just like that. An sms followed saying that everything is settled. And the other half sms back saying that it was a wrong number that she sent to. Maybe she thinks that i am a 2 years old kid.

The whole day i am like lifeless. I went to my friend's place. I have too or else mata ni mesti bengkak giler. I am like a zombie. 1 hari tak makan and hampir2 kereta langgar aku. The driver shouted at me but i just look at him. I am too lethargic to say anything.

Y must i be tested like this. After thinking, i cant possibly blame her. Which wife wouldnt fight for her happiness? I have told him this thousands of times but he just wouldnt listen. I just felt it is unfair for me to face these obstacles all by myself. And on top of that, the mistake is his. He is careless. Saying sorry wouldnt buy back all that has happen. I am sooo embarrassed and my dignity just drop to the drain, just like that, and all because of him. Is this the price that i have to pay for loving him?

The last thing that i expected, org yg aku harapkan ialah orang yg jatuhkan maruah aku.

I am really embarrassed, hurt, tired, confused. Im at loss. Perasaan terlalu hampa terhadapnya. Aku tau dia pun manusia yang melakukan kesilapan. He is not perfect. Im sure he himself doesnt want this to happen either. But ntahla, i am just a woman who held my respect too high on him. Thou i am independent, but i my whole emotions is relied on him. I am strong because of the strength that he alwiz gives me. When this happen, my emotions just crashed to the drain. I just feel that i cant face her anymore.

 I dunt want 2 lose a friend and definitely i wouldnt want 2 lose my life. But i feel that I have to make a choice. If i choose my life, she will definitely becomes my foe and i dun want any enmity with anyone. Please guide me Allah.

Salam..

Hmmhh, im no sure if im gona write this entry long, but if i do pls bear with me.. Soo many things happen within such a short period of time that i do not know how 2 express it here, but i feel its a must for me to let go of this feeling, else i will go crazy.

Yesterday was great. He came back, aft 3 weeks, called me once the plane landed, talked for a while and i had a tight sleep.. :-)

In the afternoon we met. Had a great time together, thou he shouted at me!! It was very hurtful, you know, someone you love sooo much, shouted at you over someone else.. I cried in the toilet, but i soothe myself by saying that he has really changed. If you want him, you will have to accept him the way he is now. No more expecting he is like 5 years ago. Anyway he apologise after that, sooo yaaa, that's it.

Soon after that, he did what he has been longing to do. I juz cant believe he did it, I mean i KNOW, i reli do.. It doesnt happen, but he insisted and he is a person who will never admit defeat. And he is like an experience one, so i juz dont bother to argue with him. I juz hope that one day I will be able to prove him that it doesnt happen the way it should. But if i dun wana marry him, i cant possibly prove him kan.. Hmmhh..

Then da malam. He juz got himself ready and wana go back. Im like shocked. I never expected him 2 stay over pun, im not that stupid and unreasonable.. Memang tak masuk akal kalau dia tak balik, but the way he wana get away is soooo hurtful. I mean like after getting what he wanted and..

We dun even talked sheepishly about it. Haizz.. Am i asking for too much or he is just stupid and ignorant about these things?? If he talked nicely to me about going back, i would never minded at all. I understand his plight very well, and if i dun, we wont still be together like this. If i am unreasonable, i dun think he will be able to lead this kinda life of his.. He is sooo not understanding and unappreciative.

I went 2 a friend's house. I am extremely tired, but i dragged myself to go. I dont want to stay home and brood over his unjustified doings to me. We talked for hours and alhamdulillah manage to soothe myself. The friend's partner told me, 'Nikah dia sudahla, kalau dengan dia sekufu, sesuai'.. Alahaiii, kalau ikotkan sekarang pun nak nikah, tapi cmner eh, bole ker nikah soerang diri? Kalau nak nikah dengan dia, kene tunggu dia habis MA then dia kene tau dia nak kerja mana then Phd dia katne dan segala macam perkara dia nak pikir. Itulah dia..

Then come today. I cant sleep that well. Pikiran. Today is so-called a big day fro me ahh. But as usual, no well-wish from him. Biasala, aku ni bukan penting mana pun, pekerjaan aku pun tak hebat macam pekerjaan dia, so watpela nak kasi2 semangat ni sumer, ntah dia ingat ke tidak pun tak tau!! Alhamdulillah, walaupun tanpa sokongan dari dia, i did it. Berkat doa yang lain barangkali.

He called me at 2.15pm.. Hmmhh, takperla k. Jangan mengharap, kecewa pasti jawapannya.

A friend's parents juz reached here. So tot of visiting them. Went to her place. She said that she wants to send some clothes to the tailor, together with me. So while waiting for her, i chatted with her parents. I am veeeeery tired, i didnt sleep well and i actually walked in the extremely hot weather from that place to hers. I am hungry, i am sleepy. I waited for her like hell to find out that she is in the room calling her BOYFRIEND. When she pops up the room and ask me if i am leaving, i told her that i am waiting for her to go to the tailor. She said that 'ohhh i can go anytime, if u wana go today, then u go la'.. Pannngg!!! I felt a tight slap on my face. I was dumbfounded. Did she just said that?

She made me waited for her from 2.30pm till 7pm, juz to tell me to go on my own and she can go anytime she wants to. What kind of attitide is that eh? Last week, she asked me not to cook and dated me out. Last minute she called and said he had 2 cancel it because he has important things to discuss with her biyfriend. Today she did the same thing.

Hmmhh, my very dear sister. Let me offer you an advice. Dun be toooo absorb with a guy. He is only your boyfriend. Anything can happen anytime. Been there done that once. Dun ever trade your family with an outsider. So what you have promised to marry each other? Tell me about it, dun i know that?? You left your parents who just came from far (dun mind me, im just a peanuts) and did that..

I refrained myself from saying anything. I respected your parents and I cherish our relationship. I love you like a sister of mine. In fact, I love you very much. I hurt you once, but you repaid me back with numberless of hurtful things and words. I can only hope and pray that Allah shows you the right path. Dun do this to others, for you never know what will happen to you the next moment. Dun hurt the feelings of others, for what goes around comes around. I have seen it with my own eyes.

I guess that is all between us. I am very tired, my head is spinning and I have done what i should as a friend. Allahumma Fash-Had.

Adious..

Holaaaa..

Happy 69th months love anniversary to me..

Hmmhh, maybe its been too long and that's y he is nt bothered at all.. Its been 2 months straight.. Thanx yaaa.. So now dun complain that i dun remember and things like that. Do muhasabah urself first yaa..

Had a very tiring day today. Im very very lethargic and the lady can still piss me off.. She's really irritatingly too much, just too much..  I can never get along with her i guess.

Well then, guess im hating you now. 24hrs online yet not a single line.. Happy anniversary to me..

Adious..

Heyya there..

Penattttt.. Reached home after midnyte bt overall, it was great..  It has been almost 2 yrs since i went there. I was there twice.. We had sum delicate memories there once and being there again gets me reminded of all those sweet but not-lasting memoirs. Anyway, I enjoyed myself.

Smsed him when i was up there. Hehhhh..

Earlier that day, he smsed me!!! For once!! Asking me why my sms is ceasing?? Perasan lak eh?? Abe yg dia tak PM langsung tak taula dia perasan ke tak eh.. Hmmhh, tapi biasala, mana le lama pun nak marahkan, kesian lak, so smsla.. Hahahahh..

Enjoyable and tiring day. Adious..