Salam..

Hmmhh, im no sure if im gona write this entry long, but if i do pls bear with me.. Soo many things happen within such a short period of time that i do not know how 2 express it here, but i feel its a must for me to let go of this feeling, else i will go crazy.

Yesterday was great. He came back, aft 3 weeks, called me once the plane landed, talked for a while and i had a tight sleep.. :-)

In the afternoon we met. Had a great time together, thou he shouted at me!! It was very hurtful, you know, someone you love sooo much, shouted at you over someone else.. I cried in the toilet, but i soothe myself by saying that he has really changed. If you want him, you will have to accept him the way he is now. No more expecting he is like 5 years ago. Anyway he apologise after that, sooo yaaa, that's it.

Soon after that, he did what he has been longing to do. I juz cant believe he did it, I mean i KNOW, i reli do.. It doesnt happen, but he insisted and he is a person who will never admit defeat. And he is like an experience one, so i juz dont bother to argue with him. I juz hope that one day I will be able to prove him that it doesnt happen the way it should. But if i dun wana marry him, i cant possibly prove him kan.. Hmmhh..

Then da malam. He juz got himself ready and wana go back. Im like shocked. I never expected him 2 stay over pun, im not that stupid and unreasonable.. Memang tak masuk akal kalau dia tak balik, but the way he wana get away is soooo hurtful. I mean like after getting what he wanted and..

We dun even talked sheepishly about it. Haizz.. Am i asking for too much or he is just stupid and ignorant about these things?? If he talked nicely to me about going back, i would never minded at all. I understand his plight very well, and if i dun, we wont still be together like this. If i am unreasonable, i dun think he will be able to lead this kinda life of his.. He is sooo not understanding and unappreciative.

I went 2 a friend's house. I am extremely tired, but i dragged myself to go. I dont want to stay home and brood over his unjustified doings to me. We talked for hours and alhamdulillah manage to soothe myself. The friend's partner told me, 'Nikah dia sudahla, kalau dengan dia sekufu, sesuai'.. Alahaiii, kalau ikotkan sekarang pun nak nikah, tapi cmner eh, bole ker nikah soerang diri? Kalau nak nikah dengan dia, kene tunggu dia habis MA then dia kene tau dia nak kerja mana then Phd dia katne dan segala macam perkara dia nak pikir. Itulah dia..

Then come today. I cant sleep that well. Pikiran. Today is so-called a big day fro me ahh. But as usual, no well-wish from him. Biasala, aku ni bukan penting mana pun, pekerjaan aku pun tak hebat macam pekerjaan dia, so watpela nak kasi2 semangat ni sumer, ntah dia ingat ke tidak pun tak tau!! Alhamdulillah, walaupun tanpa sokongan dari dia, i did it. Berkat doa yang lain barangkali.

He called me at 2.15pm.. Hmmhh, takperla k. Jangan mengharap, kecewa pasti jawapannya.

A friend's parents juz reached here. So tot of visiting them. Went to her place. She said that she wants to send some clothes to the tailor, together with me. So while waiting for her, i chatted with her parents. I am veeeeery tired, i didnt sleep well and i actually walked in the extremely hot weather from that place to hers. I am hungry, i am sleepy. I waited for her like hell to find out that she is in the room calling her BOYFRIEND. When she pops up the room and ask me if i am leaving, i told her that i am waiting for her to go to the tailor. She said that 'ohhh i can go anytime, if u wana go today, then u go la'.. Pannngg!!! I felt a tight slap on my face. I was dumbfounded. Did she just said that?

She made me waited for her from 2.30pm till 7pm, juz to tell me to go on my own and she can go anytime she wants to. What kind of attitide is that eh? Last week, she asked me not to cook and dated me out. Last minute she called and said he had 2 cancel it because he has important things to discuss with her biyfriend. Today she did the same thing.

Hmmhh, my very dear sister. Let me offer you an advice. Dun be toooo absorb with a guy. He is only your boyfriend. Anything can happen anytime. Been there done that once. Dun ever trade your family with an outsider. So what you have promised to marry each other? Tell me about it, dun i know that?? You left your parents who just came from far (dun mind me, im just a peanuts) and did that..

I refrained myself from saying anything. I respected your parents and I cherish our relationship. I love you like a sister of mine. In fact, I love you very much. I hurt you once, but you repaid me back with numberless of hurtful things and words. I can only hope and pray that Allah shows you the right path. Dun do this to others, for you never know what will happen to you the next moment. Dun hurt the feelings of others, for what goes around comes around. I have seen it with my own eyes.

I guess that is all between us. I am very tired, my head is spinning and I have done what i should as a friend. Allahumma Fash-Had.

Adious..

Holaaaa..

Happy 69th months love anniversary to me..

Hmmhh, maybe its been too long and that's y he is nt bothered at all.. Its been 2 months straight.. Thanx yaaa.. So now dun complain that i dun remember and things like that. Do muhasabah urself first yaa..

Had a very tiring day today. Im very very lethargic and the lady can still piss me off.. She's really irritatingly too much, just too much..  I can never get along with her i guess.

Well then, guess im hating you now. 24hrs online yet not a single line.. Happy anniversary to me..

Adious..

Heyya there..

Penattttt.. Reached home after midnyte bt overall, it was great..  It has been almost 2 yrs since i went there. I was there twice.. We had sum delicate memories there once and being there again gets me reminded of all those sweet but not-lasting memoirs. Anyway, I enjoyed myself.

Smsed him when i was up there. Hehhhh..

Earlier that day, he smsed me!!! For once!! Asking me why my sms is ceasing?? Perasan lak eh?? Abe yg dia tak PM langsung tak taula dia perasan ke tak eh.. Hmmhh, tapi biasala, mana le lama pun nak marahkan, kesian lak, so smsla.. Hahahahh..

Enjoyable and tiring day. Adious..

Salamm..

Ermmm, im very lazy these few days.. Today is the worst.. I slept again at 4pm.. Maybe becoz of the weather, its cooling, i dun even use the fan n im happy abt it. Maybe its also due to the treatment which i juz received yesterday.. Gosh, i reli need 2 buck up..

Im reli weried ahh.. Since yesterday PM bt no reply.. Tried 2 tink positive bt then he can alwiz send a line kan, however busy he is.. Since yesterday nite till today, its been more than 24hrs, mustahil juz a werd pun tkle type, caption le tukar.. I hope everything is going well over there.. Risau gak, tapi dia da besar kan..

Take care huney.. Missing you loads..

Adious..

Harloo everyone..

Smlm sempat dia PM, tp 2 baris jer.. Dia kata dia windu kite.. Ahakzz.. Trus cloud 9.. Hehehh.. Then td balik nmpk dia online, abe kite PM abe dia tk reply abe kite sad.. Msti dia tgh layan org tu kan.. Kite kan second-best :-(

Tadi kuar seharian, penatnyerr.. Tido waktu pagi mimpi tk best..

Awakkkk, awk wtpe 2??

Haiii..

Few things to tok about..

Ermm, smlm mlm a dear sis of mine chatted online. She told me that nw her status n mine r the same.. Both single.. Her bf dump her.. I feel 4 her, i mean i knw exactly the feeling in fact i have been tru worst. Quiet 4 few weeks then he sms ask to kol him, when she called, he wants a break-up!! Exactly like my 1st case.. The guy cant even afford to call!! Hehehh, call himself a MAN.. I asked what is the reason, she said he dunno bt he has thought abt it carefully and he wants them 2b like siblings!!! My foot!! But then, he still call her my love and things like that.. Guess this guy is confused and well, if he wants it, juz give it then. Dun be like me, dropped my dignity and begged him, only to be insulted more.. Learnt from me dearie, a guy like that is nt worth ur tears. It will hurt, very much in fact, but life has to  go on.. i implored her 2b strong.. She said dun weri kak, if u can do it so cn i.. im touched!!! she tot i am strong!! hikhikhik.. if only she knew hw weak n fragile i was.. I must say thnx 2 my hunny bunny for his hard effort in making me a strong gal.. Thank you Darl :-)

Then i dremt that a family came to ask 4 my hand.. Hehehehh.. Tp yg tk best dia, the uncle of that guy knows that jerk and he asked me directly, wt ws actually my relationship with him?? Spoil ahh.. Then nampak dia sumwhere (in tt dream).. Alaaaa, napela kene mimpi dia, bosan ahh.. Maybe becoz i read that bitch's blog ahh..

Talked abt the blog.. i laughed my heart out reading it.. She is soooo young n gullible yet she can be such a perfect bitch.. Took my hats off her.. They declared couple 4 days aft the break-up.. They went out together many times before the break-up (knowing he's attached).. She snapped many pictures of him secretly b4 the break-up (knowing he's attached).. they chatted/sms/tok many times b4 the break-up (knowing he's attached).. rite from the first time she saw him, she's already aimed on him, she wants him and she will make sure she get what she wants.. and telling me tt he is not her taste!!! kiss my foot ahh.. hmmhhh what do make out of that kinda gal eh?? bitch + slut.. that describes her better.

Ohh yaa, and she said that she can readily accept all his past and she's very ok with them.. What matters is the present and they loved each other.. Hahahahh, tell me abt it.. been there done that.. tgh sayang memangla.. nasib kaula pompuan...

Anyway, i juz cant be bothered with their gone-case.. For me, what goes around comes around.. Its crystal clear that she snatched other's bf n she hurt anthr gal as well as its clear that that jerk is blind to choose a bitch as his partner, so be it..

Ok, habis citer pasal mereka2 yang sunggug tk penting itu.. skrg nk ckp psl bende lain lak..

Td kol dier.. sajer.. nak tnya khabar.. dia tk ckp seyy yg hubby dia da berngkat, siap tgh shopping lagik.. then i said, bile2 free cum overla, knw wht she said?? tgkla!! wahhh.. gue tk bole angkat ahh.. asalla dia nak secret2 dgn aku eh.. tk penting seyy.. kalo everything goes fine, we r gonna be sisters tau!!! oppss, did i say that? no no, it wasnt it.. sisters in Islam yes but that sister nooooooo... i tink i made it clear 2 him that i want NO SHARING.. hmmhh, bt he never say yes, so guess he will nid 2 choose n rasa hati ini berat yg dia akan choose dorang.. haizzz, kene buang lagikkk.. nasibbbb..

Then nak cakap, winnnnndu kat die.. smlm dia sms ckp da smpi.. legaaaaa sgt tp dia tk ckp pun dia miss kiter, rasa mcm msg yg sama di hantar pd yg 1 lg.. eeeeeiiiiii, benci... mesti dia baru abis lunch n solat skrg.. hehehehh.. tk cr baby..

Awaiting.. Adious..

Harloo..

Harini dia akan berangkat.. Prgi jauh selama 21 hari.. Mengembangkan sayap dakwahnya.. Dapat spent tym kejap dgn dia td..Yang penting, dapat masakkan fav food dia:-)

Masa awal2 tu, ada drama kit.. Tak tau yg jeles dia terhadap aku masih kuat gi, ingat since romantik dia da menipis, cemburu dia pun da berkurangan, rupanya, TIDAK!! Best jugak ahh tgk dia jeles, sbb at least tau yg dia betul2 sayang, hehehh, jahat eh..

Then dia buat luahan perasaan. Tak sangka dia fragile jugak.. Selama ni, dia yg memberi semangat dan kekuatan kepada aku, tak sangka dia pun sebenarnya tertekan jugak. Takle terima bile dia cakap he's a failure. He is sumone that I look up upon seyy.. Tried to comfort him and gave him sum motivation. I guess I did it;-).. Terharu bile dia cakap, kan we rely on each other.. Terasa dihargai pulak diri ini. Then dia cakap, selalu kuatkan dia eh and terus beri semangat kepadanya.. InsyaAllah Kasihku.. The reason i am here pun is solely because of you, so takkan nak tengok you lak yang kecundang kan.. Let's be there for each other k darl..

He was sooo good and patient with me juz now. I gave my best. Cant take my eyes off him. Dia cakap, alaaaa kejap jerla.. And i will reply, for youla, for me its like ages!!! Cepatla masa berlalu, dunno how to live days here without him.. Yerla, slalu pun bukan dia ada bersama aku but at least i know he is here, mcm ni terang2 dia takder seyy..

I pray for his safe trip, to and fro.. Before he left, he recorded me a message. So sweet kan.. Till now, aku da ulang siaran sebanyak 7 kali.. Already missing him..

Take a very good care of yourself huney.. Wish i can do the packing for you.. Wish i can be there with you.. Wish i can be your PA all the time..

Anytime you are lonely or despair, turn to the invisible package that i gave you. Inside it is full with endless infinity hugs, kisses, support, care and love.. You brought with you a tender heart that goes all out for you and its all yours..

All ma love.. Adious..

Heyya..

Its hard 2 fathom him, he can be sooooo good and loving at atime and change 360 degrees the next day.. From clinging to me to like not knowing me.. Yaa, he will say that not contacting doesnt mean im not being remembered, but withing 24hours, he cant even text me??or misscall maybe?? That's quite too much isnt it..

Well, i can proudly say i am stronger now. I didnt cry or even get myself furied, i juz relax and think and let it be. All the foods that i cooked, i gave it to people. If he cant appreciate me, there will be others that will appreciate me, rite?? He is not worth my tears, and the man who is worth of me, wont make me cry..

He's leaving in 2days time, but he never think of spending time with me even.. Hmmhh, guess his priority is the other one. Ok then, have ur own way ya and be happy with it.

Betapa bodohnya diriku
Mau diduakan dirimu
Namun bila hati berbicara
Aku sayang padamu
Kau takkan pernah tinggalkannya
Di hatimu cuma dia
Tetap juga kau inginkan ku
Kini apa dayaku

Putuskan dia, oh, kasih
Agar ku tak disaingi
Sungguh ku benci dirimu yang
Tak bisa memilih

Namun harus kuakui
Sukar untuk lepaskanmu
Akhirnya aku undur diri
Demi dia dan kamu

Betapa bodohnya kau
Mau diduakan dirimu
Namun bila Hati bicara
Aku Sayang padamu

Bila saja terus terang
Apa yang kau ingin
Muak diriku dengan sikapmu

You Can Close Ur Eyes 2 Things U Dun Wana See, But You Cant Close Ur Heart 2 Things U Dun Wana Feel..

Adious..

Salam..

Hmmhh, da janji pada diri ini, demi harga diri, tak akan ku lontarkan soalan itu lagi.. Tapi td gatal sgt kan mulut pegi cakap nakkkk...

Ada ke patut dia tnya, tak menyesal ke kahwin dgn dia?? Eloooo, kire apa yer? Soalan jenia apakah itu yer? So, kirenya skrg ini aku da nampak segalanya, aku tak berpuas hati, so i can call it off??

Cum onla, i have known you in and out for close to 6yrs.. Kalo aku nak break sbb kekurangan, dah lamaaaaaa da, takyah tunggu skrg k!! Tak reti2 ker, aku ni bukan jenis yang nak kenal, tau perangai, tak suka, SoRRy, kite takder chemistryla!! Tak paham2 lagi ker, aku ni jenis menerima lebih dan kurang seadanya.. Kalao kaki carut/bantai dan pisau cukur aku le sabar, u are too good to be compared to him ok!!!

Ntah eh, rasa mcm dia sengaja nak carik sebab.. Tak taula.. Pastu dia le tnya lak, kalau *** taqdim dia cmne eh? Dia tgh pikir ni!! Boleh lagi yer nak fikir.. Kalau dia benar2 nak nikahi aku, tak payahla pikirkan pasal org lain kan!! org yang belom apaper dia da sebok pikiran, aku yg ntah d brape kali taqdim n segala bukit lurah milikku dia da dapat dia buat selamba.. Apalah yg sedang dia sembunyikan dari aku eh??

Ok, nak kawin bukan senang, macam2 nak kene pikir.. I agree, truly agree.. Dah tau susah kat sini, cepat2lah habiskan, balik and usaha kat sana. Ni niat di hati selamanya nak mendiami ardh kinanah ini. I personally dun mind, juz that dun let our r/ship hanging cmni.

Dulu cakap nak habiskan dulu, then le plan Phd and can see what can be done abt us. Then skrg still procrastinate. You have 2 be fair 2 me jugak kan.. Im a mere human tau, bukan angel!! Your procrastinantion juz shows that you aint that interested, arent u?? Sayang bukan sekadar pada ucapan kasihku..

Cakap xnak buat maksiat. Neither do i want it. I loathe it in fact.. So, sumthing has got 2b done kan.. Sekarang ni kite belom buat apapun sayangku. Ambilla tangan ini dan marilah kite berusaha. Nanti bile dia baca entry ni, dia akan sedey, terasa, merajok.. Abe aku pnya sedey, bingit, merajok?? Tak pernah ambil kire..

Apa nak buat yer.. Camnila.. Aku akan terus menanti.. Kata dia, biar kite buktikan cinta kite.. Agaknya apa yg aku berikan/buat selama ini masih belom kuat untuk membuktikan aku benar2 serius ingin menjadi surinya!! Ok fine, i will wait.. Andai dia benar2 bersungguh, dia akan usaha dan melamarku dgn cara elok (Rabbi Yassir).. Anda dia tetap mahu ambil mudah, maka Allah Ta'ala adalah sebaik-baik Hakeem.

"Hati ini Bukan Plastik, Cinta ini Bukan Palsu"

Adious..